Hello all! My name is Constance, and I have a shameful secret. It is: I don't want to have sex every day.
:(
I know, it's very sad. I am ashamed. But it gets worse! I don't even want to have sex every other day.
In fact, I probably could get by without it indefinitely. I have found that the more I have it, the more I want it... but wanting it the initial time seems to be my weak point.
I am 30-something years old, and for some reason I feel like I am beyond -- nay, above -- obligatory sex. Yes, even with my beloved husband. I cannot pull off the "once a week whether we need it or not" sex life without wanting to stab him. (He wasn't the one making that suggestion, in his defense.)
Anyone who actually knows me can skip this next paragraph, but I was raped in 1999. Date rape. I'm sure the guy thought he was just being convincing -- it's not like he had me at gunpoint or anything. I just felt trapped and he wasn't listening to me, so after a while I thought, "Well, lots of people have one-night stands, I guess." So whatever that is, whether it's technically rape or not, that's what happened and for whatever reason I get pretty freaked out by really any level of "convincing" about sex. Including foreplay. For the most part my thinking is, "If I said it's okay, let's just get on with it."
I know that's not very romantic. Unfortunately my husband is a romantic.
So today, in the middle of a normal drive around town after taking the kids to the park, he mentions that maybe we should go to counseling, because we have such different desires and expectations in that arena.
Now keep in mind, we still do it at least once a week. I'd say we average 5x/month. Sometimes more, occasionally less. I feel like that's a lot. He feels like he can't believe I don't want to have sex with him any more than that. WTF? He also wants me to be more into it. Uh... I don't want to be doing it? So I am already faking it to my fullest ability?
I feel horrible posting about this, because he would be mortified and feel betrayed, but at the same time I am absolutely devastated that he is unhappy enough (or, according to him, "I'm not unhappy..." Again, WTF??? Of course you are if you are saying that instead of, "I'm happy!") to bring up counseling (he's not a talky kind of guy) and also, I hate that he thinks my sexual preferences need to be "fixed" somehow. If I suggested he was some sort of sick deviant for wanting sex every fucking day, or more days than not, he would be furious and hurt. But it is supposed to be okay for him to imply I am cold and uncaring and there is something wrong with me if I don't want it any more than I do.
And, as a pleasant aside, this whole encounter today? Definintely NOT making me want it. It makes me feel so betrayed and erodes the intimacy in our relationship. No idea how to jump back in from there.
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8 comments:
I so get this - and totally coule have written it. Though onestly, one time a week would be a vast improvement for us. I know all the good it does for building intimacy and trust, etc. but it soooo hard to get it going. Once there, I'm good but getting there is tough. I can tell when it's been too long though - we both get irritated with each other way too easily. :)
I have no idea how to want sex more. I think when you are raising young kids all your touchy feely stuff goes to them and by the end of the day it's just too much to even think about having the energy.
I'm sorry it's making you feel blicky. I'm like that too - if it's brought up and complained about I tend to dig in my heels because well..."now you made me feel like crap and there is no way in hell anything is going to happen now!"
No advice. Jsut lots of sympathy.
Oh, man, I totally hear you.
I would definitely go to counseling, saying I only felt comfortable with a female counselor. Because I think the counselor is going to explain to him that once a week is GRACIOUS PLENTY, and also that a person can't MAKE themselves want it more, any more than they can MAKE themselves hungrier. Well, except by doing recreational drugs. Which might work for the sex, too.
Wooo girl. I hear ya. You do it more than we do. And the counseling stuff would really upset me, just because that's how I am. But I really like Swistle's comment. Go with her suggestion; she seems to have a good handle on things :-)
I'm with you, too. I fantasize about getting divorced all the time just so I wouldn't have to have sex or keep saying no to having sex and being judged for being a frigid freak. I sometimes wonder why I ever thought getting married was plausible for me when I so much hate the sex part. I vascillate between feeling sorry for my husband and feeling like he's a horny pervert. No I don't want to try another position. No I don't want to use my mouth instead. Unless puke turns you on. Anyway. I'm sorry and I don't have an answer. Marijuana use to help and that's almost worse now because I know it could be really awesome to have those high orgasms but it's not helping any more. God has some serious answering to do when I get up there. Sometimes I am scream-praying in my head while my husband is having sex with me, "Why why why!? You've got to be kidding me here! This is suppose to feel good? How will this ever be ok enough to do as much as he wants it." I would be very happy to never have sex with a man again. Women and myself maybe. Maybe just myself because I would never ask myself to do something I didn't want to do.
Oh my, I also could have written this post. We went to counseling and it hasn't really helped me want it more. I love my husband with all my heart but I don't think I have any sexual feeling toward him anymore. But the thing is, I don't think about sex with anyone else either. I don't fantasize about it and I could also go for a long time without it.
The counseling did help me come to realize that our relationship is stronger when we are having sex. We both feel happier and are kinder to each other when we have that connection.
It is hard for me but I have to work on just saying yes sometimes. But every now and then, when he's trying to butter me up, I just get so mad at him. I don't know why.
Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and lend some support.
I know it's been said before but I had nearly that same experience, including the rape. My husband and I have been together for a long time and I love him dearly but my lack of interest is the one thing we fight about most. I thought there was something wrong with me. But the more he pesters me for sex the angrier and resistant I get.
One thing he did say that has helped me try to be more wiling is that part of the reason he keeps seeking me is because I don't seek him and he is looking for assurance that I still find him attractive. He wants to feel loved and desired just like anyone else and it seems that men find that comfort in sex and not in hugs or cuddling like I can.
So, while it still drives me nuts that some days I feel like I need a crowbar to get him off me, I can sympathize a bit better. Anyway I hope this helps and you can work things out...also if you find any good advice pass it on!
I'm sittting on the computer, awake, at 2:48 am, after having had sex with my husband in a very dark room (thank god), not being able to sleep because the depth and breadth of not having liked it is so broad and limitless. We'll go through the odd (maybe once every couple of years) honeymon where things feel fantastic. That';s usually the result of some kind of big fat change or personal revelation that temporarily opens me.
But for the most part I hate it, I don't want it, it feels disgusting, I get a knot in my stomach and when he's not looking I make faces. I keep telling myself, "this is good, you like this, he loves you, you love him, sex is good, we'll connect after this, he's your husband..." and it never works.
The difference here is that I DO want sex with other people on occassion. But even that is starting to die down.
I don't want to break up our family. I have 7 year old twins and a four year old. They adore their father. And I don't NOT love my husband. I just can't stand the sex.
I don't even think once a week is low. My husband id lucky to get it once a month. I don't even have the excuse of rape. I just don't feel it.I have no sex drive, no desire, self-loathing for my body, a bad back, and no desire for anybody including masturbation.
I wish I has some words of advice, but all I've got is 1x a week is more than normal and I doubt counseling is necessary.
That said, one of my New Years Resolutions was to try to have more sex with my husband because I do love him and he's been nothing but understanding over the last 12 years of our marriage. A lot of the pressure I feel to satisfy him comes from me.
Sigh.
~Scout's Honor
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