I still feel horrible. I'm so depressed, and just sick over this. I found some Mens' Health forum discussion about frequency of sex in a marriage, and all the guys posting on there were on about how devastated they are, and how their wives can't love them for who they are.
On one hand, it gave me some good perspective on how the Husband must be feeling and why this is such a big deal to him.
On the other hand, I really have no idea how to feel differently about having sex when I don't want to. Maybe I should go off my anxiety meds, as he's pushed me to do, since he's concerned about the sexual side effects. Can't help but be a tiny bit bitter about the lack of regard for my emotional balance though. He doesn't really have emotional/mental problems, though, so he has no clue as to what it's like. He's quite convinced that if you're depressed, you just need to *not* be depressed anymore.
About the counseling, we did talk a bit more in depth about it, but he said there's logistically no way we can go -- that we can't afford it (though I know there are ways we could) and also because finding a babysitter for this many children this young is 1) nigh impossible and 2) prohibitively expensive.
He is very affectionate, very helpful (does tons and tons around the house)... so it's not that he's lacking in that regard. It really is just that I don't want to, or I get a bit uncomfortable or freaked out partway through, and I fear that, so maybe avoid it more than I otherwise would.
But the sex ultimatum, for me, is like if I said to him, "You aren't meeting my emotional needs if you don't buy me expensive jewelry." It's that absurd. Just like my love for him and commitment to him doesn't hinge on what he can give me materially, I am totally shaken that his love and commitment to me does hinge on how much sex I give him.
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5 comments:
And now that you feel backed into a corner about it all it makes you want to try even less. At least, that's how I would feel.
And yet....we all know that sex is one of the ties that bind. It creates a closeness that nothing else can do. And yet - if the desire isn't there it makes it really hard to do.
Is this a case where "fake it til you make it" can come to play? I remember once, to get myself back into the swing of it after a year (!) of no sex (hey - it happens. Time slips by.) was to tell myself it was 15 minutes. Only 15 minutes. I could give 15 minutes of my time and myself and my energy because it would mean so much to the relationship. It helped because you can do anything for 15 minutes, right? :)
But I guess getting your groove back isn't the issue (my issue, but not yours. *grin*) it's more quantity for him. Can you maybe commit to trying for twice a week? I know it's hard. I know being a mom to two is hard and draining and I can't imagine how much more so it is with double the kids. I don't know. There jsut has to be a middle ground. There just has to be.
I just read a blog of someone whose partner came home one day and announced it was over. The biggest breaking point was no sex in a long time. That really woke me up. I don't want that to be me. And I don't want that to be you.
In the end, 15 minutes is a small thing to give when it meas so much to the other person, the person we love and have a family with. I don't know - I'm rambling probably more for me than for you (I need to get me an apartment here!) but maybe in it somewhere is something that will help your heart and your head.
I'm so sorry. I can tell you are feeling crappy. :(
From someone in the totally opposite position - a wife who wants it more than once a week and a husband who has less desire - I can tell you that sex is different that jewelry. It's more like rent or food. It's a vital part of my well-being and I need that physical affection and closeness and release to feel whole and loved and satisfied.
Also, it is certainly not that my love and commitment to my husband hinges on how much sex we have, but it sure is an important part of the relationship. While I still love him and am totally committed to our relationship, I am saddened that he cannot see that this is so important to me and meet that need. Or at least try some more. I know it's all about compromise and I'm not shooting for my ideal frequency, just SOME consideration of what I'd like re: frequency, and some meeting in the middle.
But, beenami and others in her position, what can be done when the other person in the relationship was perhaps sexually molested/abused in the past and this new "grown up" relationship sex actually triggers all that past pain. It isn't something that feels healthy to "fake." Instead it continues the cycle of victim feelings and pain. My loving spouse has a normal sex drive yet his desires and normal advances feel like something much more menacing and yes there has been much therapy and many different perscriptions and lots of faking it till I make it. I just don't see where the middle ground can be if one person is asked to be in physical mental pain so the other person can have an orgasm or mark another night on their "Look I'm normal" scorecard. (If that sounded hostile it was certainly not to you beenami--just to the situation and lack of apparent options--on the contrary I am very thankful for your comment to balance the woman's "other" side)
The problem is, it doesn't really matter how important it is to Person A's well-being that Person B should want it more, if Person B DOESN'T want it more. Person A's REASONS for wanting Person B to want it more, are not going to make Person B want it more. All the talk about how important emotionally it might be to Person A to have sex (a claim I find suspect, at least when men are making it: they don't seem to want the emotional closeness that comes from talking and spending other kinds of time together, so I'm suspicious of their claim that they want to have an orgasm for "emotional closeness") is completely moot, since even if that's the case, it doesn't change the way Person B feels about it.
Furthermore, if Person A's pursuit of "their needs" causes Person B to be DRIVEN AWAY emotionally, Person A needs to find other ways to achieve emotional closeness---a way that does not force sexual acts on Person B.
Sorry for all this "Person A" and "Person B" crap, but it's not possible to draw a man/woman line with this.
Sorry, hon. I know it's hard when people in your life don't really "get" emotional/mental problems, especially when it's someone so close. And I've also taken meds that helped so well with the problem that I had, almost like magic. Of course, the dark side of the "magic" was how they stole my mojo. Our newlywed year was the worst dry-spell ever. Once a MONTH was a big deal. What helped? New meds and lots and lots of talking.
Best wishes to you!
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